Fighting Panic

I wrote this back in May after I had one of the worst panic attacks I’d had in a long time.  I was completely embarrassed as it happened at work. 

“You can do this!”

I kept telling myself over and over as I started to feel my breath getting away from me. In my head I was trying to remember the steps, what were the damn breathing techniques?

 ”I can’t breathe… Oh my god I can’t breathe…”

“Come on you’re not weak you can do this! Focus!”

 I tried to ignore the building tension inside me, the tingling in my fingertips, the feeling that something bad was about to happen. I tried to put it out of my mind, to turn my attention to something else, it had worked before why wasn’t it working this time? I could feel myself beginning to hyperventilate. Grasping my chest I tried to find the damn pressure point. Where is it? I can’t find it?

 Typical!

My phone rang. THANK GOD it’s my mum. Crying into the phone I tried to tell my mum I was having a panic attack and I was sure I was about to pass out.

“Why can’t I get control of this mum? Why?”

Now doubled over at my desk feeling the urge to vomit I was glad no one else was in the office to witness me in this moment of sheer panic. My mum tried to reassure me that it was going to be okay. My mind had other ideas, going a million mph it was churning up all my insecurities and fears?

“I need to call my husband mum! I’ll call you back.”

 I was thinking my husband was closer and if I did indeed pass out he’d get to me quicker.

“I can’t breathe…! I can’t breathe!”

I cried and could feel all my emotions welling up inside me. He told me to take a deep breath and I started to pace the office thinking I need to move, to get rid of this nervous energy and just try to focus on breathing.

“I’m so sick of this, I’m so tired of it, GOD I’m so tired.”

The attack went on for two hours and it was one of the worst panic attacks I’d had in a long time. I ended up leaving work and felt defeated, deflated and the apprehension was back.

I was angry at myself for not gaining control. I can do just about anything I put my mind to why can’t I overcome this.

I can’t let it beat me! I won’t! It’s taken so much already. It’s just a hiccup, I’ve been knocked down and I need to get back up, dust myself off and keep moving forward. The easy thing would be to give in, to quit!

Then…

I look at her, my beautiful daughter, and think of what she’s been through, what she’s accomplished and I have to keep going!

She looks at me adoring, smiling, so happy to see me and so full of expectation. If I were to quit fighting what would that say to her? Hope starts to fill my heart again, I take a deep breath and think to my self tomorrow’s another day.

Music Monday – Gary Go

Things have been up and down around here lately!  Had a horrible panic attack this weekend, worst one in a long time. Uggh!  It really scared me, but I gotta keep fighting and pushing myself otherwise it wins.

On a positive note we had an awesome spring break vacation and I’ve just finished my first semester back at college!  I did really well got an “A” and a “B” and I’ve already signed up for the summer session. 

So I heard this new artist from London and I fell in love with this song, it just kind of hit home for me! His name is Gary Go and the song is “Open Arms” Enjoy!

Take That…

Yeah!  Take that ass fat and panic attacks! I’ve charged up my MP3 player and I’m headed out for a walk/run this morning.  Nervous about getting out there, but even if I only make it up the street and back it’s a step in the right direction.  I’ve got a long road of ups and downs ahead of me, but I’ll beat these panic attacks if it kills me.

Today the song I chose to get my big ol’ booty motivated and moving is Take That’s “Greatest Day.”  Oh and it doesn’t hurt that they’re all scrummy yummy men to look at! *Grin*

Psssst… Can you help me out?  I need some ideas for songs to put on my MP3 player so I can keep my groove going.  Tell me… what songs keep you moving when you’re trying to shed a few extra pounds?

Head on over to Good Mourning Glory for more Music Monday!

Out with the old, in with the new!

I’ve been doing a little soul searching lately and have decided it’s time to do a little spring cleaning in my life! 

You see, I’ve had this monkey on my back (Insert George Michael song here)  for twelve long years! 

I’ve allowed it to take control of my life and stop me from doing the things I enjoy. 

I’ve let it strip me of my confidence and distract me from what’s important. 

I’ve relied on others to help me fix it and have looked for instant solutions, when in reality there are no instant fixes.

I know it’s going to be a challenge and it’s not going to happen over night, but I can do this! 

I have to do this!  

I’m tired of living in fear, wondering when the next panic attack is going to strike. 

I have to retrain my thought process and take my life back.  

I’m motivated and I’m ready to take the next step. 

So stay tuned…

Time for a change…

Thoughts weight heavy on my mind

peace and calm so hard to find

Life seems to move so fast

too much time spent on the past

Strength and courage push me through

for a brief moment… I miss you!

When I think I can’t take much more

a smile… 

 her love for me is always pure

it pulls me back! 

It’s time to shed this shell of fear

Burst out and tell the world… I’m here!

No more worries about what people say

no more tears over you today

It’s time to do things I’ve set aside

remove the excuses, swallow my pride

There are things I need to rearrange

but in the end I need a change!

Anxiety Study ~ I'm a lab rat!!!!

So those of you that have been reading for a while know that I’ve lived with an anxiety/panic disorder for the last decade.  Well, a couple of months back I was reading  Steph’s blog over at The Panic Room  and was excited to read that their was a free anxiety study going on.  So after getting the info I decided to give it a try.  I took the online tests to qualify, passed with flying colors,  and was told that my book was on it’s way.  Yipee! 

Well,  the book arrived Friday! 

  So here it is…..

Mind_Accept_WkBk_Anxiety_small

So now I’m supposed to read a chapter daily, do the exercises and then give them feedback.   I’ve decided to post about it weekly to keep track of my progress or lack there of.  Wish me luck!

In the United States alone, 40 million adults age 18 and older (18.1% of U.S. population) live with an anxiety disorder.  Anxiety is very real and challenging.  Lots of people go undiagnosed because of the stigma that is attached with mental health.  If you suffer from anxiety it does not mean you aren’t smart or that you’re crazy!   Did you know that there’s a long list of accomplished celebrities that live with anxiety and/or have suffered panic attacks?

If you are interested in the study you can check it out by clicking HERE

If you would like to know more about anxiety, check out the  ADAA website.

Anxiety Study ~ I’m a lab rat!!!!

So those of you that have been reading for a while know that I’ve lived with an anxiety/panic disorder for the last decade.  Well, a couple of months back I was reading  Steph’s blog over at The Panic Room  and was excited to read that their was a free anxiety study going on.  So after getting the info I decided to give it a try.  I took the online tests to qualify, passed with flying colors,  and was told that my book was on it’s way.  Yipee! 

Well,  the book arrived Friday! 

  So here it is…..

Mind_Accept_WkBk_Anxiety_small

So now I’m supposed to read a chapter daily, do the exercises and then give them feedback.   I’ve decided to post about it weekly to keep track of my progress or lack there of.  Wish me luck!

In the United States alone, 40 million adults age 18 and older (18.1% of U.S. population) live with an anxiety disorder.  Anxiety is very real and challenging.  Lots of people go undiagnosed because of the stigma that is attached with mental health.  If you suffer from anxiety it does not mean you aren’t smart or that you’re crazy!   Did you know that there’s a long list of accomplished celebrities that live with anxiety and/or have suffered panic attacks?

If you are interested in the study you can check it out by clicking HERE

If you would like to know more about anxiety, check out the  ADAA website.