I wrote this back in May after I had one of the worst panic attacks I’d had in a long time. I was completely embarrassed as it happened at work.
“You can do this!”
I kept telling myself over and over as I started to feel my breath getting away from me. In my head I was trying to remember the steps, what were the damn breathing techniques?
”I can’t breathe… Oh my god I can’t breathe…”
“Come on you’re not weak you can do this! Focus!”
I tried to ignore the building tension inside me, the tingling in my fingertips, the feeling that something bad was about to happen. I tried to put it out of my mind, to turn my attention to something else, it had worked before why wasn’t it working this time? I could feel myself beginning to hyperventilate. Grasping my chest I tried to find the damn pressure point. Where is it? I can’t find it?
My phone rang. THANK GOD it’s my mum. Crying into the phone I tried to tell my mum I was having a panic attack and I was sure I was about to pass out.
“Why can’t I get control of this mum? Why?”
Now doubled over at my desk feeling the urge to vomit I was glad no one else was in the office to witness me in this moment of sheer panic. My mum tried to reassure me that it was going to be okay. My mind had other ideas, going a million mph it was churning up all my insecurities and fears?
“I need to call my husband mum! I’ll call you back.”
I was thinking my husband was closer and if I did indeed pass out he’d get to me quicker.
“I can’t breathe…! I can’t breathe!”
I cried and could feel all my emotions welling up inside me. He told me to take a deep breath and I started to pace the office thinking I need to move, to get rid of this nervous energy and just try to focus on breathing.
“I’m so sick of this, I’m so tired of it, GOD I’m so tired.”
The attack went on for two hours and it was one of the worst panic attacks I’d had in a long time. I ended up leaving work and felt defeated, deflated and the apprehension was back.
I was angry at myself for not gaining control. I can do just about anything I put my mind to why can’t I overcome this.
I can’t let it beat me! I won’t! It’s taken so much already. It’s just a hiccup, I’ve been knocked down and I need to get back up, dust myself off and keep moving forward. The easy thing would be to give in, to quit!
I look at her, my beautiful daughter, and think of what she’s been through, what she’s accomplished and I have to keep going!
She looks at me adoring, smiling, so happy to see me and so full of expectation. If I were to quit fighting what would that say to her? Hope starts to fill my heart again, I take a deep breath and think to my self tomorrow’s another day.