“You’re fine Kirsten just ignore it” I keep repeating in my head as a feeling of fear comes over me and I start to tremble from the inside out.
“You’re watching Narnia, Prince Caspian. You’re not thinking about anything, don’t be ridiculous you’re not having a panic attack! You have nothing to panic about WTF?”
My husband is sleeping beside me unaware of the mental struggle I’ve been having with myself for the past hour. The trembling is teetering on a fine line and I know if I give in I’ll start to shake uncontrollably, but I can’t get passed the fear.
“Breathe Kirsten, just breathe” I think if I can do that I’ll be okay.
“Did the nurse say to count on the breaths in or breaths out? Oh fuck I don’t remember”. Panic is setting in, I can hear myself breathing out, thr0ugh pursed lips, like a tire slowly letting out air.
“Crap am I hyperventilating? Not good, not good at all, get it together Kirsten”.
I’ve only had this type of panic attack a handful of time in the 10 years I’ve lived with Anxiety, but it doesn’t lessen how scary they are or how much I hate them. They come out of nowhere and it feels like my whole central nervous system has gone haywire. I tremble and shake like a drug addict going through withdrawals.
“Maybe just maybe I can fight this thing”. I keep telling myself. ” You’ve been through this numerous times before, it hasn’t killed you yet, nothing to fear”.
I’m nervous but I feel angry ” Come on you bastard is this all you’ve got?”
A flash thought “oh shit maybe I shouldn’t of said that, shouldn’t taunt it.”
I can hear my thought process start to change. The fear wont let up and the shaking is getting stronger, I feel myself giving in to the fear.
I get up and my whole body feels sluggish, every step I take feels like I’ve just pulled my foot free from mud, my body’s exhausted. I know I need to take something, but I don’t want to. I should be able to get myself under control. Tears start to stream down my face.
I’ve had friends and one family member be very cruel about my anxiety. At first I really let it beat me up and get me down. Now I realize they used my anxiety as a way to make themselves feel superior, kick me when I’m down so to speak and that they didn’t care about me or have my best interest at heart. That doesn’t mean their betrayal didn’t hurt!
I wake my husband who sits up and rubs my back until the shaking subsides. It takes about 20 minutes for the medicine to work. In my head I’m beating myself up for not being able to get my nerves under control. My thoughts vary from “What the hell’s wrong with you?” to “Will this ever go away?”
My husband falls back asleep once he sees me starting to relax. What he doesn’t see is my disappointment. I’m feeling defeated, empty, and exhausted.