Letting Go Is So Hard

This past Saturday we decided we were going to head out to our favorite corn maze, Sweet Fields Farms.  The weather was beautiful, a welcome change from the life sucking heat and humidity we’re used to. We were getting ready to walk out the door when our friends called to let us know the wait to get in was two hours! I’m not gonna lie, I  was a little disappointed, but we were happy they were doing so well.

Not to be discouraged, we heard about another little farm not to far from Sweet fields and we decided to give it a try. When we arrived at the Farm there were quite a few cars, but it didn’t look to crowded.  The layout of the farm was really nice albeit a little smaller.  We found a spot at some picnic tables nestled beneath a few large oak trees and it wasn’t long before Meg asked if she could go into the corn maze with her friends.

  

My stomach dropped as I tried to come up with excuses as to why she should wait, but  I could see in her eyes she really wanted to go!  Her body language was screaming please let me be independent and after laying down a few rules and making sure she and her friends had their phones I agreed to let her go.  She squealed with excitement and disappeared into the maze leaving me to ponder my worst fears…

What if she has a seizure?  What if someone tries to take her?  Stop! She’ll be fine! You need to let her do this!  My hubby had gone to get food and was unaware of the huge step I’d just taken. So I sent him a quick text message to let him know I’d given our daughter a taste of freedom. To which he replied “Okay!”

I’m sure our friends were talking to me at this point, but I couldn’t tell you a word they said. I could feel my anxiety starting to kick in and the helicopter mom in me wanted to jump up and run into the maze after her.  All the what ifs had kidnapped my concentration and were attacking my rational thought process.

About this time my hubby arrived with the food and I nervously devoured a really good fish taco.  It’s funny how time works in situations like this, the minutes seem to drag on for hours.  I looked at Erich and he knew my mind was ready to explode.

Then it happened… I saw her! I saw this big, radiantly independent smile on her face and all my crazy thoughts and fears were replaced with a sweet, warm and fuzzy feeling. It was validation! I’d made the right choice! She was walking in my direction, full of joy, scanning the area trying to remember what table we were sitting at.  I jumped up, smiled and waved like a lunatic. She saw me and ran over, all excited, to tell me all about her corn maze adventure and I absorbed every word.

After that I relaxed a little and asked Meg if she wanted to take a few pictures with me and head over to the petting zoo.  It made me happy when she belted out her usual “Sure!”

The petting zoo was small and the animals were charming.  We were able to pet goats, pot bellied pigs, rabbits, fluffy looking chickens and a super friendly llama.  I basked in her delight and we wandered out to some of the other photo op and game areas the farm had set up.  Meg held her own at tug-a-war and posed with a skeleton.  We even went back into the maze.  All in all it was a great day!

You hear people say don’t blink they grow up so fast and now I know exactly what they mean. When she was little I couldn’t wait for her to do and try new things, now I just want her to slow down and time to stop. I’ll leave you with this song till next time…

From the heart…

The phone rang this morning and it got me thinking… every time my house phone rings, during the day, my heart stops and my stomach drops.  Why?  Because I’m always afraid it’s going to be that call, the one that tells me Meg had another seizure. 

It’s been almost three years since her last seizure and inside a part of me wants to blow horns and whistles and throw gobs of confetti in the air, because I know how far she’s come, how far we’ve come as a family!  It feels like everything is moving in the right direction and it is, but another part of me is guarded and doesn’t want to become complacent. 

I have many, many fears when it comes to epilepsy, because it is so complex and there are no certainties.  A seizure can happen at any time, without rhyme or reason and that scares me.  I worry about Meg when she’s at school, in the bath, sleeping and even in the future.  I worry about sunlight, water, strobe lights, videos, movies and I know when she hits puberty it may bring more seizures or (god willing) may even bring an end to them, but I can’t relax because to me relaxing is letting my guard down. 

I’ve taken a lot of shit for being over protective and guarded over the years!  Sometimes it’s cut me deep, but I will endure whatever because I will do whatever it takes to make sure my child is safe.  Meghan is a brilliant child, a beautiful child and a child who has endured watching others succeed where she has struggled.  She’s worked so hard to get to where she is today and deserves to feel excited and proud of everything she’s accomplished thus far!  I’m amazed by her, in awe of her and want to shout from the roof tops how amazing she is.  

So while I may seem over protective at times and I might shed the occasional tear or feel anxious about life’s uncertainties, the one thing I am sure of… is that I have an extraordinary child, an amazing child who never gives up and has a zest for life and what it can teach her.  I will continue to encourage and reassure her, teach her right from wrong and wrap my arms around her when she needs it most, sometime even when she doesn’t!  I will continue to tuck her in and kiss her goodnight, but most of all I will protect her, tell her how much I love her and how proud I am that she is my daughter.

I love you Meghan!

Mothers be good to your daughters…

So he who does not wear spandex, but may have occasionally used guy liner back in the 80’s (giggle) has tagged me in a Meme. Yes Gary from Him From Up North started a meme inspired by the song Daughters by John C. Mayer. 

 Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too…

In this meme he has three questions for me to answer so here goes…

If you are a daughter, what did you learn from your father or mother, positive and negative? 

Well truth be told Gary my Dad wasn’t around!  Oh apart from the two years I spent in Italy with him when I was 8 or 9 (long story I’m not sure I want put into cyberspace yet).  I did yearn for a relationship with him for a long time and was quite excited to finally get in touch with him one christmas, only to have the wind knocked out of me when he hung up, mid sentence and decided it wasn’t what he wanted.  It was a terrible blow to my self-esteem and probably part of the reason I have fears of rejection and often feel not good enough!  However, I was able to derive some shred of positivity from it… I married a man who I know will always be there for our daughter!  He’s a wonderful father and I make sure he’s fully engaged in everything she does.  We also have a great relationship with my dads parents who have been wonderfully supportive and took the time to come to our wedding ten years ago! 

If you have daughters, what lessons have you passed/will you pass onto them?

I will try to answer this question without sobbing!  I have one child, a daughter, Meghan who is the most kind, gentle, loving little creature you’ll ever meet and I’m often amazed she came from me!  Meg has been living with Epilepsy since she was a month old.  Her first two years of life were difficult and spent in and out of All Children’s Hospital.  My husband often felt as though he should be able to protect her, but was powerless to do so.  Me… I would replay my pregnancy and the birth over and over in my head thinking… could I have done this and maybe I should’ve done that?  

While most children her age were absorbing and learning from their environment, Meg was battling her seizure disorder and falling behind developmentally.  Not only were we first time parents, we were new to epilepsy, so we became very familiar with the term learn as you go.   Everything we could do to help her back then we did!  Above what we did at home Meg had physical, occupational, and language therapists and still has the latter two.  Luckily Meg’s seizures became well controlled with medication at about two years of age and we’ve been playing catch up ever since!  Although sometimes simple things have proven a challenge for her, she never gives up! 

 So I guess the first lesson we wanted her to learn is that she’s just as capable as any other child and can achieve anything she wants as long as she works hard at it.  Her learning disability may make the road a little longer, but if she applies herself there’s nothing she can’t do.  Since she was little we’ve always told her she’s smart, strong and brave, but it’s tough when she comes to us and says things like all the other kids can do… why can’t I?  It breaks my heart sometimes, but I have to remain stern and say you can do it, but it’s going to take practice!  I don’t want her disability to define her because she’s so much more than that!  I want her to work hard, I want her to be kind, I want her to be humble, I want her to fall in love, I want her to dream big!  I want the same things most parents want for their children.  This song always sums it up pretty well for me…

Do you see something in yourself which you recognise as an inherent (unlearned) trait from your parents?

This is another toughy!  I guess one thing I see in myself that may be an inherent trait from my mum is a willingness to help others!  I’ve always thought no matter how little you have you always have the capacity to give.  Giving comes in all different shapes and sizes, it can be as simple as showing kindness in a smile to something as big as opening your home to a stranger as Tara over at Sticky Fingers experienced on her honeymoon.  As far back as I can remember, my mum has always done things for people and it’s definitely rubbed off.  My love of animals and nature also comes from my mum!  Thanks Mum!

So there you have it!  I hope I’ve done your meme justice Gary!  I’ve been told I must tag a few people so if you have a daughter consider yourself tagged!  Oh and if you leave your link in the comment area I’ll be sure to pop over to read and leave you a comment. xx

T'was The Night Before Christmas….

He has to work Christmas Eve?

I was in a bit of a panic about Christmas Eve as hubby had to work that morning and we were having his family over for our annual Christmas Eve dinner.   I was worried he’d get stuck there and I’d be left to do everything.  However,  like the saint he is (I’m giggling here just in case you’re wondering) hubby kept his promise and was home with plenty of time to spare.

What’s Christmas without a bit of Drama?

Well it wasn’t really drama, when hubby walked through the door he had the phone to his ear and I could tell something was up.  His sister was feeling a little overwhelmed as she was having people over for Christmas Dinner and hadn’t got a lot done.  So I told hubby to tell her not to worry about it  if she could make it we’d love to have her,  but if she couldn’t we understood and would get together later.

They’re heeeere!

So the first to arrive, Meggers cousin Shadoe who she adores.  Of course she led him around the house to see all the decorations and her tree.  Shadoe made Meggers happy by making a big fuss about it all.

Then Mom moms and Pop pops (Erich’s mom and step dad) arrived with whipped parsnips and artichokes, rolls, and my favorite, The Chocolate Roll.  Yum!

We all chatted for a bit and worked together setting the table and getting the food prepared for the table.

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   The Food!

Our Christmas Eve Dinner was perfect!  We had Prime Rib, Mushroom Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, Broccoli Stuffed Tomato Cups, and Whipped Parsnips with Artichokes.  Hubby’s Prime Rib was AWESOME, definitely the best I’ve had in a long time! 

After Dinner

Once all our tummy’s were full Shadoe and I pulled up NORAD on the Computer and found out Santa was in Portugal.  We grabbed the reindeer food and headed outside.  Meggers made sure she sprinkled the food all over the lawn and then dumped a neat little pile in front of our door.

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 Meggers kept asking when Santa would come?  Mom moms said she wasn’t in bed so Santa wouldn’t come yet.  Meggers put her finger to her mouth like she was processing what Mom moms had said.  Then decided it was time to get in her PJ’s and go to bed.  We put out the milk and cookies and Meggers hopped into bed and fell asleep.

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Santa’s Visit

Once Meggers was asleep for a little bit Santa made his appearance along with his trusty reindeer (Okay so that’s really our Crazy Daisy dressed up as a trusty reindeer, but go with me on this).

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Santa started filling stockings, putting presents under the tree and putting toys together, but what Santa forgot, being he’s so busy and all, were batteries!  Crap!  Now who’s gonna go out at Midnight for batteries? 

Mrs. Claus lost the coin toss and headed to  CVS around the corner thinking she’d be in and out because it was.. well.. midnight.  WRONG!  There were like 50 cars in the parking lot.  Inside CVS the line was about twenty people long.  Apparently we weren’t the only family that forgot batteries, which in turn is probably the reason I paid $18 for six batteries.  Sheesh!  Anyway, Santa’s delivery was saved by Mrs. Claus and everything was set for Christmas morning.

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T’was The Night Before Christmas….

He has to work Christmas Eve?

I was in a bit of a panic about Christmas Eve as hubby had to work that morning and we were having his family over for our annual Christmas Eve dinner.   I was worried he’d get stuck there and I’d be left to do everything.  However,  like the saint he is (I’m giggling here just in case you’re wondering) hubby kept his promise and was home with plenty of time to spare.

What’s Christmas without a bit of Drama?

Well it wasn’t really drama, when hubby walked through the door he had the phone to his ear and I could tell something was up.  His sister was feeling a little overwhelmed as she was having people over for Christmas Dinner and hadn’t got a lot done.  So I told hubby to tell her not to worry about it  if she could make it we’d love to have her,  but if she couldn’t we understood and would get together later.

They’re heeeere!

So the first to arrive, Meggers cousin Shadoe who she adores.  Of course she led him around the house to see all the decorations and her tree.  Shadoe made Meggers happy by making a big fuss about it all.

Then Mom moms and Pop pops (Erich’s mom and step dad) arrived with whipped parsnips and artichokes, rolls, and my favorite, The Chocolate Roll.  Yum!

We all chatted for a bit and worked together setting the table and getting the food prepared for the table.

img_0203

   The Food!

Our Christmas Eve Dinner was perfect!  We had Prime Rib, Mushroom Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, Broccoli Stuffed Tomato Cups, and Whipped Parsnips with Artichokes.  Hubby’s Prime Rib was AWESOME, definitely the best I’ve had in a long time! 

After Dinner

Once all our tummy’s were full Shadoe and I pulled up NORAD on the Computer and found out Santa was in Portugal.  We grabbed the reindeer food and headed outside.  Meggers made sure she sprinkled the food all over the lawn and then dumped a neat little pile in front of our door.

img_0211

 Meggers kept asking when Santa would come?  Mom moms said she wasn’t in bed so Santa wouldn’t come yet.  Meggers put her finger to her mouth like she was processing what Mom moms had said.  Then decided it was time to get in her PJ’s and go to bed.  We put out the milk and cookies and Meggers hopped into bed and fell asleep.

img_0213

Santa’s Visit

Once Meggers was asleep for a little bit Santa made his appearance along with his trusty reindeer (Okay so that’s really our Crazy Daisy dressed up as a trusty reindeer, but go with me on this).

img_0192

Santa started filling stockings, putting presents under the tree and putting toys together, but what Santa forgot, being he’s so busy and all, were batteries!  Crap!  Now who’s gonna go out at Midnight for batteries? 

Mrs. Claus lost the coin toss and headed to  CVS around the corner thinking she’d be in and out because it was.. well.. midnight.  WRONG!  There were like 50 cars in the parking lot.  Inside CVS the line was about twenty people long.  Apparently we weren’t the only family that forgot batteries, which in turn is probably the reason I paid $18 for six batteries.  Sheesh!  Anyway, Santa’s delivery was saved by Mrs. Claus and everything was set for Christmas morning.

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For Ruby

Flowers for Ruby and her family.

daisyfield

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

test21

 

Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting

 

Meggers decided that she’d like to try Karate, so I finally caved and took her on Thursday to check it out.  We got there a little early in the hopes that we’d get to chat with the Sensei before class began.   It was a small room with a large mirror that the kids enjoyed looking at themselves in, picking their noses, kicking, making silly faces.  Very Cute!  It looked and smelled like a dojo with bamboo floor boards and a teeny tiny little area where parents crammed themselves in like sardines in a tin to see their kids learning the fine art of Karate.

We found out one of Meggers friends goes to this particular Dojo and is a very cute, little, yellow belt.  Meggers was feeling a little shy and decided that she would like to sit and watch on our first visit.  The Sensai came in with his two assistants and the kids perked up, got into their stances and listened intently. 

Meggers was taking it all in as she made trips back and forth from the water cooler.  The kids were doing exercises and the sensai was using a lot of positive reinforcement to get the kids to do reverse punches and front kicks. 

I decided we should head out a few minutes before the class ended as I felt Meggers bottom errupt in my hand (thank god there was no noise and I didn’t want to stick around to find out if there was a scent).  I wasn’t sure how much of it she’d taken in till we got out in the parking lot.

“Do you think this is something you’d like to try Meg?”

“Uhh huh! They were twirling their arms and doing exercises mommy”

“If we come again next week will you participate?”

“Yes mommy I can do their exercises… (pause) Then I can show them MY exercises.”

Oh lordy! lol  “Meg you can show them before class but during class you have to follow their rules and directions honey.”

“can I get one of those outfits?”

“If you go more than two times and you like it, we can look into getting you the gear.”

“Okay mommy I think I like Karate.”

So,  I’m excited for her to try this next week.  The exercizes they were doing with the kids wouldfall right in line with Meggers Physical Therapy.  I can’t see this as being anything but positive for Meggers boosting her confidence and strengthening her muscles.   I hope it pans out next week, keeping my fingers crossed.