I’ve spent her whole life protecting her! I’ve nursed every cold, sat by her side and curled up with her in hospital rooms. I’ve encouraged her when she felt nervous or shy and watched her exceed the limits people have put on her. I’ve raised her to be kind, respectful, loving and She’s a great kid, with a good heart. Now she’s getting older and I’m having such a hard time with letting go. She’s ready for the independence and I know I have to give it to her, but nobody told me it would be so damn hard!
Today she went on her first big field trip, at her new school, without Erich or myself. I knew she was a little bit nervous, but excited and I didn’t want her to see my anxiety. We got dressed and she ate a little breakfast. I brushed her hair and helped her put it up into a ponytail. We talked about the rules and before I knew it she was out the door and on her way to school.
The door closed and I could feel my nerves churning. My anxiety began to rise and fall like a rollercoaster and I couldn’t breath. My tear ducts and gag reflexes unleashed on me like a tidal wave. I was in a full-blown panic attack. Funnily enough, my head and thoughts were clear… I know she can do this, I need to let her do this, she’s fine, you’re fine, etc… but my body was unleashing all the physical challenges that makes an anxiety attack the unpleasant experience it is.
I knew I couldn’t go into work like this… The tears were rolling down my face, I was an emotional wreck to say the least. So I called work to let them know I’d be late and headed over to see the one person I knew would get it, the one person who has seen me through all my ups and downs, someone who has been through it all with me and my three siblings, my mum.
I walked into her house and she could tell right away something wasn’t right. She looked concerned as she rose to greet me and asked what was wrong? I unloaded on her and a big smile spread across her face as she opened her arms and said “now you know how I felt those years you were in Italy!” When I was little my father had taken me for what was supposed to be a two-week vacation, but ended up being a two-year custody battle for my mum, a story for another time. She gave me the biggest of hugs and made me giggle cry. She made me a cup of tea, we talked about everything, she told me about experiences she’d had raising us and we laughed and cried together. After a few more hugs I was ready to head to work.
One of the many great thing about Meg’s new school is they kept me updated all day through text messages and even sent me a few pictures. They told me I could call anytime to check on her, which gives a mom like me such comfort. I’m please to say I didn’t call, but I did respond to a few texts they sent me.
I couldn’t wait to pick Meg up and hear all about her day and how much fun she had. She was excited to show me the prank snake she purchased with her tickets she won playing video games. She especially liked a simulation snowboarding game and my heart swelled with joy when she told me she liked being independent, but would like to go back again with her daddy and I to try the bumper boats. She’s gaining her independence, but she’s still my little girl and I think I will hold onto that for a little while longer. Till next time…
PS If you’re a mom who sometimes finds it hard to let go, don’t appologize for it. It’s normal and sometimes it’s harder when your child has a disorder they deal with. I can tell you Epilepsy has been a long hard road for us, with lots of ups and downs. As long as you recognize and give them the independence they crave and you prepare them for the real world you’re doing a great job! x