Some times late at night I lay awake (no this isn’t a Garth Brooks song) watching TV while the rest of my family sleeps, it’s the time of night when all the house is still and it’s just me with my thoughts (very dangerous..lol). On this particular evening I started thinking about Meghan and her Epilepsy, I don’t know why I started to cry (probably because I’m overly hormonal), but the tears began to flow and I’m sorry kept running through my mind…
I’m sorry that my body was flawed and didn’t keep you safe from harm.
I’m sorry for what you went through as a small child in and out of hospitals.
I’m sorry that you may have to take medicine for the rest of your life.
I’m sorry that you will have to deal with adversity and discrimination.
I’m sorry that you will have fears.
All I ever want for you is to be happy and healthy.
I will always love you and as long as I’m breathing I will always be there for you.
I don’t know why these thoughts decided to plague my mind, probably because I was feeling a little melancholy. It’s an awful thing guilt…. add worry, hormones, a beautiful child sleeping next to you and you’ve got the makings for a night of chocolate ice cream and Kleenex.
My husband would like to have another baby, I’m not sure about it, I’m afraid, I guess, of the what ifs…. My two biggest fears are having another child with special needs and my anxiety getting worse. I would love to have another baby, I’m just really scared.
Anyway, I thought I’d share my midnight pity party with you in the hopes someone might offer up advice or say they’ve had similar thoughts and I wasn’t alone in breaking out the ice cream and tissues for a bit of midnight melancholy. Sigh!