Today’s been a bad anxiety day, pushing through it but feel like I’m wearing welly boots, walking in mud, each step sucking the boot making it harder and harder to go forward. Made my husband come to the bowling alley with me today so I could take Meghan to meet her cousins. Not a bad thing your probably thinking but here’s the catch Meghan and I bowled, Erich sat in the car doing work on his laptop, he was there purely for my comfort. I’m lucky to have a husband who may not always understand my discomfort, but does his best to make me feel secure, but how pathetic does that make me feel?
Tonight I’m lying here, feeling all the discomforts of my anxiety, the overwhelming feeling that something’s about to happen, the nervous jitters, the feeling I’m not breathing right, the nausea and every noise in the house is to loud, overstimulating. I don’t know what triggers my anxiety could be I’m over tired, my husband’s not home, my daughters med change I don’t know, I do know I feel very aggitated?
It’s times like this that I wish I could go back in time and be the girl that I was when anxiety didn’t exist in my life I want it for my daughter, my husband, me. In my head I’m telling myself relax, nothings going to happen, wtf’s wrong with you, snap out of it, suck it up your pathetic, 10 years Kirsten, 10 years and your still falling for this thing hook, line and sinker everytime it arises. I feel like I’m swimming under water, trying to reach the suface, if I could just shoot out of the water and take that big breath everything would be ok, in moments like this I just can’t seem to breach the surface.
I feel ashamed that I haven’t overcome it, insecure that people will judge me for it (they already have), I feel raw, vulnerable, insecure and tired. Some days are better than others, tonight’s one of the not so good days, hopefully tomorrow will be better.